


Five times Lukas felt like he was in love with Philip and three times he actually admitted it

by andromedagalaxy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M, Speculation for 1x09 and 1x10, spoilers through 1x08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:18:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8811199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: The first time he felt it was in the city, when his anger and his fear were waging war in his head and he could barely see through the fog in his eyes. Lukas leans against the wall and watches all the people who could be themselves here, out in the real world, and it almost shocks him seeing the real possibility of what he could have with Philip if he could just make that step. He knows he’s created a bubble for the two of them, based around what he wants, what he needs, what he can have and where he has to have it. He frowns, realizing how that sounds. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t want it to be a secret. But it is. It has to be.





	

The first time he felt it was in the city, when his anger and his fear were waging war in his head and he could barely see through the fog in his eyes. Lukas leans against the wall and watches all the people who could be themselves here, out in the real world, and it almost shocks him seeing the real possibility of what he could have with Philip if he could just make that step. He knows he’s created a bubble for the two of them, based around what he wants, what he needs, what he can have and where he has to have it. He frowns, realizing how that sounds. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t want it to be a secret. But it is. It has to be.

Two men hold hands across the street and Lukas can’t help staring, can’t squash the longing blossoming up in his chest. He wants that. Wants that confidence, that freedom. He feels almost sick, too many thoughts in his head—he wanted to get away from everything but now he’s thinking about things he didn’t think he was even capable of thinking about.

He doesn’t want what he feels for Philip to be a secret. He doesn’t want it to have to be. He wants to touch him in public, brush his hair out of his eyes, hold his hand. Wants to walk him to class, carry his books, kiss him when he wants to be kissed. Lukas wants to show his lov—

He startles himself with the word and his stomach twists in warm knots. He’s an idiot, a fucking fool for doing this to himself and what’s left of his family. His dad is going to fucking destroy him when he finds out. He’ll never be able to introduce Philip as more than a friend, not ever, not to anyone.

But he wants to. And as much as the word _love_ scares him, makes him want to puke right here on the street, it doesn’t feel too far from the truth. And when Philip comes out of the club Lukas’s stomach drops again when he just so much as looks at him, and he knows it’s true. 

He doesn’t know if he can stop it. Stop himself from falling. He hates himself, and for a moment, he hates Philip too for making him feel this way.

“Asshole,” he says, and he almost feels like he’s talking to himself too. He starts to walk away because he can’t goddamn look at him. Like looking at his problem and the solution both at the same time. And he wants to kiss him so bad it’s like physical pain. 

_Love love love love love no no no no no_

But he can already feel himself softening.

~

Lukas can’t sleep. They were together about an hour before and all he can think about are Philip’s hands, Philip’s mouth, Philip’s laugh, Philip’s smile. Philip Philip Philip and goddamn the boy is driving him crazy. He allows himself to bask in it in the darkness of his room, where his dad can’t see him, where Rose and his friends can’t see him. But especially where Philip can’t see him—can’t see his brain working, can’t see everything changing right there on his face. 

Every song on his iPod reminds Lukas of Philip, but _Fools_ reminds him of the two of them together. He closes his eyes in the dark and knows he’s falling, falling, falling away from his dad and everything either one of them ever wanted him to be. But what if that wasn’t what he himself wanted, not really? When he looks at Philip he knows what want is, that pain in his gut and the chaotic need to put his hands on him, just to make sure he’s real. Everything else is like some false story, something he was feeding himself, a narrative where he toes the line and lays down in the mold that was made for him.

He allows himself to think of cracking it. To think of stepping out of what’s been handed to him, to step into Philip’s arms. He wants to know all about him. Wants to be a part of his world. Wants there to be a world, a real world, where the two of them can be together and it’ll all be okay. He maps his hand down his chest and aches for it, for him, for what the two of them could be if he wasn’t such a goddamn coward. He feels lost, stuck between two extremes, but all he knows right now is that this song is his, theirs, and he thumbs at the waistband of his boxers and wants to know what Philip’s touch would feel like if he could let him in completely.

Lukas is such a fuck-up, ruined, and he knows what he wants but he’s not allowed to have it. But he allows himself to think about it, arching his neck back and thinking about Philip.

_Only fools fall for you, only fools  
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

~

They’re taking him away. They’re taking Philip away. Away from Tivoli, away from him, out of his life completely. Everything freezes and Lukas’s throat goes tight. He can’t hear what they’re saying. He can’t hear his own thoughts, only a high pitched sound that only gets louder and louder with every passing second. He’s gonna throw up.

He remembers Philip’s message from earlier, the video, and he pulls out his phone, holding it down low. It’s the two of them, when they’d just been messing around, when Lukas didn’t want to ride anymore because sometimes the distance between them got to be too much. He looks at Philip, watches him laugh and smile, swinging the camera around.

Lukas can hear Philip’s voice in his head and he can’t lose that, can’t lose him, can’t lose his light and everything he is. The only real person who’s ever seen Lukas for who he really is, the only one who’s made him feel calm, safe. Philip _is_ everything, the first thing Lukas thinks about in the morning and the last thing he pictures at night. Lukas feels fucking sick. He’s hurt him so much, he’s been such a dick and seeing him happy in this video, seeing the two of them together and happy makes everything he’s done sit in stark relief. He’s been terrible. He’s been such an asshole. To someone he loves. He knows what the truth is, had to have it forced into his hands before he could properly acknowledge it.

He loves Philip. He loves him he loves him _he loves him._ He can’t be without him, he can’t be not for one more moment _one more second_ and he knows that nothing matters more, not now not ever and he jumps to his feet, his heart hammering so hard in his chest that he isn’t sure he’ll even make it over there without collapsing in a heap of nerves and pain. He has to make it. He has to get there, to make things right. Has to see him.

“Lukas?” his dad asks, cocking his head at him. Normally that look would back him down, soften him up, but he stands his ground, setting his jaw.

“I need—I need—”

_I need him. I love him._ He’s never felt something so clear.

~

When _Fools_ starts playing Lukas can’t help but smile. They’ve been on the same wavelength since he made his Big Decision and he feels good, free, despite everything else that’s looming over them. He pulls Philip closer and rubs his hand up and down his arm, reminding himself that he didn’t lose him, he didn’t leave. He’s right here. He rests his forehead against Philip’s temple and tries to control his breathing.

Philip pulls one of Lukas’s earbuds out and looks at him, his eyes narrowed. “You okay?” he asks, a hand on his knee.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, almost too fast, his voice going a little high. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure?” Philip asks, smiling a little bit. “Not freaking out?

Lukas loves his face, the way his lips curve up, all the light in his eyes. “No,” he says, emphasizing the word. “I just really…love…your playlist,” he says, clearing his throat.

Philip hums, looking him up and down like he can read his mind. “Well, good. I thought you might. All these remind me of you. Of us.”

Lukas can’t help it, can’t fucking resist and he leans in, kissing along his cheekbone. He smooths his hand up Philip’s chest and rests his thumb at the base of his throat. He feels Philip’s breath hitch and they melt a little closer together, the song switching in their ears.

“Thank you,” Lukas whispers, close to Philip’s ear.

“For what?” Philip breathes, turning into him.

“For you,” Lukas says, brushing their noses together. He kisses him, their mouths slotting together, and tries to press everything there—everything he can’t bring himself to say. Not yet, not yet, but it’s right on the tip of his tongue. Philip makes the smallest noise and Lukas feels it in his gut, in waves down to his toes. “For being you,” he says, near breathless when they break apart.

Philip smiles, resting his forehead against Lukas’s. “If playing you some music is all it took to get you to say shit like that, next playlist is gonna be fifty songs long.”

Lukas snorts, shaking his head and kissing him again.

~

He’s under the water.

Except he’s not anymore. He’s somewhere else and it’s all liquid, all slow motion, and he’s trapped. Like there are anvils weighing him down and stopping him from moving. Like cotton stuck in his mouth. He feels like he can see himself, lying there in bed with something on his face, but it can’t be right. He looks like he’s in the hospital. The image fades because he can’t believe it, and he tries to think of Philip.

The last thing he remembers is making that jump, thinking of Philip getting that footage, then sharp pain and nothing. Well, not nothing. A desperate warmth, familiar hands, and now this. This in-between place where everything feels strange and he thinks he might be able to hear voices even though he can’t find his own. He thinks he might be dead and he can’t be, even though he’s thought about it recently he just _can’t_ be. Not now. He can’t leave Philip alone. 

He hears something beautiful, heavenly, and he’s even more afraid he’s dead because the sound goes straight through him, the soft cadence striking him before he even registers the words. But they start to come in loud and clear, like the person speaking has a direct line to his heart, could break through anything if they needed to get to him. 

And it’s true because it’s Philip speaking. Lukas can hear him now.

“Lukas,” Philip whispers, and Lukas can’t see him but he can feel him, touching his cheek and his shoulder. “Please—please, God, open your eyes.”

Lukas wants to. For him. He can’t piece together what this is or what the hell is happening or why he’s so broken, but he would do anything for him. He knows that now. He can feel it in his veins, in the marrow of his bones. 

He can feel Philip brushing his hair back. There’s a loaded silence and Lukas needs to touch him, needs to hold him, wants nothing more than to wrap Philip up in his arms and kiss a smile onto his face. He has the most beautiful fucking smile.

“I love you, Lukas,” Philip says. “Please wake up.”

Lukas feels that so heavily and it almost pulls him out, almost wakes him up. Philip kisses his forehead and Lukas wants to scream, wants to thrash, wants to do anything anything _anything_ to get back to him. To tell him how he feels, what he feels, a love so deep that he can hardly wade through it and he doesn’t want to. He wants to live there.

“Come back to me, please,” Philip says. “I love you,” he says again, his voice breaking, and Lukas can feel him kiss his cheek.

_I love you_ Lukas thinks. _I love you I love you I love you._ He wants to tell him.

~

He clamors awake, like he’s pulling himself out of his own grave. He can’t focus, nearly chokes, and people in white converge on him, pulling something away from his face. He blinks and his dad is there, honing in on him. He can hardly see, can’t hear anything they’re saying, and after what feels like forever the people leave and he’s alone with his dad. But Philip isn’t here. 

“Where…” he rasps, closing his eyes. Everything fucking hurts.

“Just settle down, son,” his dad says. “Relax.”

“Philip,” Lukas says, insistent this time. “Where…where is he?”

His dad shakes his head like he doesn’t understand. Lukas sighs and doesn’t want to spell this shit out, not right now, not when his need is so present and painful. He knows he’s been shot. That the killer is still out there. And he knows Philip loves him. 

“He’s down the hall,” his dad says. “Helen, uh—wanted him to sleep. He’d been in here for a day and a half. You want to see him?”

Lukas nods, wanting to save his words. A day and a half. Has it been fucking longer than that?

His dad stares at him for a couple of long moments, working his jaw back and forth. He just stands there, rooted to the spot, like he isn’t going to grant Lukas’s request and bring Philip back. Lukas wonders what he saw when Philip was in here, what he heard. He’s got to know. And that thought, which always struck such fear in his heart in the past, doesn’t seem so scary anymore now. Not after what they’ve been through. Not now that he knows what he wants.

Lukas can’t take waiting anymore. “It’s exactly…what you think,” he says. “And I’m not…sorry.” He knows his dad can’t hit him now, not like this, but he doesn’t exactly look like he wants to. Lukas doesn’t know what else to say and he honestly doesn’t want to say anything else. He just needs to see Philip.

His dad nods curtly. “I’ll go get him,” he says, and turns to leave before Lukas can even think of saying anything else.

The next few moments alone are like agony, all the pain suddenly surging to the forefront of his mind. He got shot. He got fucking shot. And he can hardly remember anything past that. Only _I love you, Lukas_ and he’s almost afraid he dreamed it. He doesn’t care, not anymore. He’s been thinking it for too long to die before he ever gets to say it.

The door opens and Philip rushes in and it’s like he brings the sun with him. Lukas sighs, wilting back against the pillows, smiling when Philip sits down on the side of the bed and immediately frames Lukas’s face with his hands.

“Oh my God,” Philip says. His voice is rough and his eyes are red, and Lukas hates the idea that he’s been sitting here crying over him. He wants to make it better.

“Hey,” Lukas says, not sounding suave or cool at all. 

“You’re awake,” Philip says, like he doesn’t quite believe it.

“Sorry about…all that,” Lukas says, wetting his lips. “Needed my beauty rest, I guess.”

Philip laughs but it sounds more like a sob and Lukas doesn’t like that at all. His arms feel like dead weights but he manages to reach up a little bit, touching Philips elbow. “I was so scared,” Philip says, scooting closer and shaking his head. “Jesus, when you fell—when you hit—hit the water and I pulled you out and I saw all the blood—”

He remembers going underwater, now that Philip says it. But nothing else. Only warmth. “You—you pulled me out…of the water?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Philip says, swallowing hard and nodding at him.

Lukas feels it then, his stomach twisting, the dizziness threatening to overwhelm him. He looks at Philip, the tears in his eyes, how he keeps trying to inch closer. He’s so perfect, so vibrant and beautiful, and Lukas wonders why he ever could have tried to fight this. It was a losing battle from the moment they first locked eyes. “Can you just…can you kiss me real quick?” Lukas asks, shaking his head a little bit.

Philip doesn’t waste any time and moves in, bringing their mouths together. It’s soft and sweet, chaste but full of desperation and need. Lukas savors it, the taste of him, how they fit together. Philip tapers off into little kisses, pressing their foreheads together. “God, you scared me,” Philip says against Lukas’s mouth. 

He can’t wait any longer. He needs to see those eyes light up. “I love you,” Lukas says, simply. “I’m…I’m in love with you.”

Philip pulls back a little to look at him, his mouth hanging open. Lukas smiles looking at him, and for a moment everything doesn’t hurt as much. Philip laughs and it’s softer this time, shocked. “Yeah?” he asks, his voice small.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Philip says fast, leaning in to kiss him again. “God, I love you, Lukas.”

~

The road is bumpy and Lukas’s heart is in his throat. He’s crying, Philip is crying, they’re both fucking crying because they’re in a goddamn murderer’s trunk. _The_ goddamn murderer and they’ve failed at everything because he found them, because he got them, because he’s gonna fucking kill them. 

Lukas wishes they were face to face, but he wraps an arm around Philip’s waist and hauls him closer. His chest still aches and he feels dizzy from the effects of the painkillers. He’s so fucking scared. He’s terrified.

He leans forward, pressing a kiss to the back of Philip’s neck. The other boy is trembling so hard, shaking in his arms, and Lukas nuzzles his nose into his hair, trying to calm him down. “Baby,” he whispers, “just try and relax, okay?”

“Relax?” Philip nearly yells, glancing as far as he can over his shoulder. “How am I gonna relax, Lukas? This is it, we’re in his _trunk_ —”

“Helen’s gonna come,” Lukas whispers into his ear, trying to bring him closer. “She’s gonna find him before he can do anything to us.”

“She doesn’t know who he is,” Philip says, desperate. “There’s no way she’s gonna find out in time, there’s no way—”

Lukas knows he’s probably right but he’s not gonna say that. He kisses the hinge of his jaw and presses the bridge of his nose against his cheek. “I’m not gonna let him hurt you,” he says, softly. 

“I’m not gonna let him hurt _you_ ,” Philip insists. “Not again.”

Lukas knows they’re probably going to die and a jolt goes through his chest. He’s assaulted with all the things they’ll never have—he can see the two of them getting a place together in the city. Philip taking photography classes, stringing up his pictures in their little studio apartment kitchen. Lukas going for another sponsorship, one that won’t affect his relationship. Real dates, pizza in little Italian restaurants with checkered tablecloths and maybe he’d reach out and take Philip’s hand while they sit there, maybe he’d kiss tomato sauce off the corner of his mouth and not care who saw them. Late nights together, them and only them, the life they’d earned. They’ll never have it.

Lukas will never be able to hold him in his arms while he rocks him to relief, will never be able to show him just how much he loves him the way he’s been thinking about doing for months now. He shifts a little, kissing his shoulder. “I love you, okay?” he whispers. “I love you.”

“I love you, Lukas,” Philip says, his voice breaking. “Oh God.”

They go over a bump and the both of them go stiff. Lukas closes his eyes tight, a few more tears leaking out. The false future pushes its way back in again and he can see them kissing on some stupid leather couch they found at a flea market. Can see them brushing their teeth in front of one tiny mirror, bumping each other back and forth and trying to keep from laughing. Holding hands in the middle of a busy sidewalk on a bright and sunny day.

Lukas is so fucking scared that he can barely breathe, but he has to be strong for Philip. “I love you, baby,” he says again, pressing a hand over the other boy’s heart. “I love you, I love you.”

~

Lukas wonders if he really does have a guardian angel. If his mom is up there trying to guide him through these messes he’s making, and push him into the arms of the one person who’s really wanted to protect him all along. The real him, the real Lukas, the one who’d been buried underneath expectations and false pretenses until Philip reached down and pulled him out.

He can hardly think about what happened but he knows that Ryan Kane is dead. He knows that Philip is safe. It feels really weird, knowing that the whole thing is over. It almost felt like something that had become a permanent part of his life and he doesn’t know what to do with the newfound freedom.

Well, that’s wrong. He does know. 

It’s been three months and Lukas is finally feeling like a normal person again. The pain isn’t as present and his dad seems to slowly, but surely, be getting used to the idea that his son is dating another boy. Dating always seems like the wrong word. Like it can’t encompass what they really mean to each other. He’s sure he’s turned into one of those sappy boyfriends that doesn’t stop with the hearts in his eyes whenever he looks at Philip, but he can’t help it, and he also doesn’t really care. 

He never thought he’d be the type to plan their first time, but here he is playing their songs through a new speaker he just bought, creating fucking mood lighting and hiding a cinnamon scented candle behind a precariously arranged set of books. 

Having Philip here, underneath him, making those noises with that look on his face is the best fucking thing Lukas has ever seen. He has no idea what he’s doing, _none_ , and he’s terrified of hurting him, terrified of ruining it.

“Lukas,” Philip whispers, and Lukas leans down and kisses him, thrusting forward. They both groan into each other’s mouths and Lukas breaks the kiss, staring down at him. Philip’s hair is all sweaty and sticking up from where Lukas had been running his hands through it, and there’s a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead. There’s a tiny crease between his brows and Lukas puts his mouth there before moving it to his temple, his cheek, the spot behind his ear. 

“Jesus,” Lukas breathes. His whole body is hot as he tries to keep up his movements and he reaches down hitching Philip’s leg up a little higher around his hip. Philip arches into him, biting down on his lower lip, and Lukas stares at him again. To know that he’s making him look like that, sound like that, making him shake and writhe underneath him. This boy, this beautiful fucking boy wants _him_. He doesn’t know how it could be possible. That they made it through all that hell to this moment.

Philip opens his eyes and reaches up to touch Lukas’s neck. “What’s wrong?”

“What d’you mean?” Lukas slurs, startled by his own voice.

“You stopped,” Philip says, his thumb brushing back and forth over Lukas’s jaw. “You okay?”

Lukas hadn’t even realize and he thrusts forward a little sharply, causing Philip to arch his neck back and moan. 

“Jesus,” Philip breathes.

“I got distracted,” Lukas says, leaning down and peppering kisses across Philip’s cheeks, one on the tip of his nose.

“Are you gonna…” Philip says, swallowing hard and tangling his hands up in Lukas’s hair, “are you gonna say you got distracted by me?”

Lukas snorts, moving forward a little slower and easier now. “Maybe.”

Philip grins and nips at Lukas’s mouth, drawing him into a deep kiss that makes him see stars. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I know,” Lukas says, pressing their foreheads together. He picks up his pace and he knows they’re both close, Philip clutching at him and trembling, chanting his name. Before long he’s moaning into Philip’s mouth, watching the other boy come apart beneath him. 

Lukas pulls out and collapses into him, burying his face into his neck.

“So,” Philip says after a little while, still breathless, trailing his finger up and down Lukas’s spine. “I love the idea of you wandering around the mall looking for the best smelling candle to hide in here.”

Lukas blows out a sigh, trying not to grin too hard. 

“Who recommended cinnamon?” Philip says, pursing his lips. “Or was that all you?”

“All me, baby,” Lukas says, sitting up a little bit so he can look at him. “Sweet and spicy, just like you.”

Philip snorts, beaming at him and touching his face. “Spicy, right.”

Lukas leans in and kisses him as much as he can before the two of them dissolve into laughter. Lukas just loves Philip’s face, his smile, how good he makes him feel. How far he’s helped him go. And how much further they’re going to go from here. Now that they’re free, now that they’re safe. Now that the world is theirs. No one else matters but him and Philip. “I love you,” he whispers against the other boy’s mouth. “I love you, Philip.”

“I love you too,” Philip says, pulling him back into the warmth of his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Canon is probably gonna mess this up tomorrow but I hope you still enjoy it :)


End file.
